My past three sessions have been so different from anything I have ever done in therapy. I continued to spend about half the session writing down words and then talking about them. It feels scary because I don't have control. I'm not thinking; I'm writing and talking, like "throwing up" stuff. Near the end of the session, my T asked me to draw a picture of the child who was there. I don't remember how we got to "the child", actually more like a pre-teen. She asked how she felt. I said "alone". Then she wanted me to get in the position I saw her in. I covered up my face, put my head down. She was hiding.

I'm in uncharted territory now. I've discussed the issues before but now I'm feeling and experiencing too. I'm being messy and I hate being messy! T says it's all right; she's there listening to me. I'm scared but comforted at the same time. I'm feeling weird, not embarrassed. I hope that I'll be able to get on with my life tomorrow. I wish it were next week already. T said we'd continue where we left off today, but I always worry that next week won't happen. The meds haven't helped those fears yet. I'm going to take 1 1/2 pills tonight.