I had group T today, and it was a very active session. At one point, I mentioned something that gave clear indication that I was not open to the idea of falling in love, and it caused a reaction in a couple of people (one was sad for me, another angry - in a caring way).

I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness come over me, and I fought back the surge of emotion which was leading up to bursting into tears. I refused to allow those feelings to come to the surface.

Now that I am home, I am still not allowing myself to feel whatever it is that's hovering beneath the surface. Too painful. And my mind scrambles everything up when I try to think about it.

So, I decided to do an easy exercise that began with the light awareness of the topic....and then wrote the first words that came to my mind. Here's what I came up with:

hate
blood
dirty
wrong
ugly
scarred
evil
disgusting
worthless
discarded
target
simple
eyes
pain
dark
gross
scared
lonely
danger
piercing
dagger
shame

Do those words scream CSA to you?

I was surprised by what came to me and am wondering why I am relating these words to the idea of not being open to falling in love.

(I was married for 14 years to someone my T described as a pathological predator who only saw me as an object - which crushed the idea that I was actually lovable to at least one person in this world - divorced for nearly 4, low self-esteem, unattractive, etc.).

I was considering sharing the results of my exercise with my group, but I have not disclosed my CSA history with them and don't want the discussion to lead in that direction.

Perhaps I will just talk to T about it....if I don't just avoid it altogether.