My thoughts and putting plans together always center around the "fact" that I am hurting people by existing.

I get to a place where I can only see my future as taking from those that I love. I desperately do not want to ever do that to anyone.

I've come to be able to tell myself to wait. It does not go away and I do 'fantasize" about plans and put a date in mind.

LUCKILY I have usually found myself somewhere else emotionally on that date or do not have the opportunity to follow through with enough time to actually be sure it would be over.

I also have an intense fear that I would do it wrong, survive, and lose everything meaningful in my life.

I have not gone to action. I think the only reason for this is that I am responsible for someone else.

It's always the worst during a mixed episode, BP, and thankfully I cycle out of these pretty quickly.

Are you feeling safe right now? Will you go to the ER if you are not?

Please do, if you need to.

People love you, want to help, and sure as heck want to keep you in their lives.