i'm lucky i had a girlfriend who's in love with me and accept me for what i am. but why i always felt she deserves someone better than me, i want to break-up with her but i dont have the heart to tell her that i cant do this anymore, i have bigger mental problems than she could imagine. moreover, she ask about getting married a lot, i dont know what to do or say. i can't be the guy for her, she's normal and she deserves a normal guy, not me. i want her to be happy, normal life, normal husband, have kids, happy. how can i be that man if i'm still depressed & suicidal every single day.

i dont hang out with friends anymore, i dont have real friends anyway, i dont socialize, i only speak where i need to speak, quite, loner, i'm weird. i used to always feel that i'm lonely back in my high-school & college years, but i enjoy being lonely for some quite years now, i'm pretty much avoiding people, i hate them, i dont want to talk to them. for all my life they're all unfair to me, they underestimate me, they laugh at me, & what makes me really angry is that they dont RESPECT me, i always respect people but why they cant RESPECT me! why!! i dont lie to them but why they lie to me!! why everything is unfair in this life!? i'm done with social life , i dont want anything to do with it anymore, i just live my own life now. I dont know when i can be normal, not now, not anytime soon. I'm confused with my life, with this life, i dont understand how to survive in this life anymore. I need to go away, but i'm going nowhere, there's only life and death, i never ask to be born in this life. And i'm struggling with the second choice, death. i have this strong urge to see the world inside death, but i know there's no way back, no way back to ask for forgiveness from my family, it's sad to always think about that everyday. now i'm trapped in this hole called life.