Still really glad to hear this. It reminds of something someone told me once, which is that in a couple, when one accuses the other of fearing intimacy, chances are, the accuser is just as fearful. I guess it makes me think of your really really wanting your T to love you -- yet holding back from her. True love and intimacy come when we are willing to be open about ourselves. Keep it up, keep it up...

Thank you, Sally! I don't know if I trust my "new feelings" for my T, but while they last, it's great. I don't know what happened to my wanting to be in her life, and knowing more about her. It may be that when I'm done with these particular issues, I will regress. But for now, I'm so glad she's there, accepting me, and helping me. I don't know if it's love, but it's SOMETHING tangible and it's "good enough".

I'm not sure the meds will help with specific fears. This is reminding me of something, too -- a conversation I had with a friend when she first started antidepressants. I asked her how it was going, and she gave a kind of "meh" answer. I said I was sorry, that was too bad, but that maybe she just hadn't found the right dose/combo yet. I told her, "They don't work for everybody, but for me, they can keep me at a baseline level of 'ok', that helps me just deal with things in a way I can't when I'm depressed. I don't just wake up upset anymore, I just get upset when there is something to be upset about." She said, "Oh, they do that for me too. I usually just feel ok at baseline. So now I look for things to get upset about." When my friend told me later that she thought she had treatment-resistant depression, I just kind of sighed, thinking back to this, when she even said her drugs were working. Something was treatment-resistant, but I don't think it was her depression. Remember, these drugs are for moods, not thoughts. So look for signs that things are getting *easier* -- don't look for stuff to go away, because a lot of that will require changes in behavior, attitude, etc., that can be facilitated by medication but will not be accomplished by medication alone.

You're getting there. Good on you for giving the increased dose a shot.