I just got back from T. It is such a relief to talk to someone. I kept my composure fairly well. I did need the tissues a few times.

The T more or less said this why we don't do trauma work with individuals that are living in a traumatized situation. You are going where I don't like you to go. After she read why I feel like I need to talk to her about a 20 yr old rape, she understands I think. It is like the migrating whales. Instincts tell them what to do and thy can't fight it. It is a crazy drive to survive. Well this is the same. What needs to come out and be shared comes over me. It has to be shared and will not go away until it is shared. She gets that's where I am. And for a while things will calm down. I'm glad.

We also talked about my H and I. She wanted to know if I thought that some of the issues my H and I were having were related to triggers and recalling the rape stuff. I told her I didn't think so. Because I wrote about the rape 2 weeks ago and we started having issues again here in the past week.

She said she could see a strong similarity between the torment of being trapped by the guy who claimed to love me and I had to trust in him because of the dangerous situation I was in and how I am trapped by my H and have to rely on him for everything. After that it was certainly a tissue moment. I never saw that. Relying on this man for safety while he hurt me and relying on my H while he hurts me. Both felt me leaving defenseless. I felt trapped in both situations and didn't have the inner strength to try and walk away from a bad situation.

I am so glad I went alone. I have a feeling sleep is going to be very peaceful tonight.

We talked about what to do next w/ my H present. She has noticed I am looking more and more "done". I have not done anything but cry on the last 3 visits and I was so visibly agitated the last time and didn't say much about why, she figured something was up. My H has been asking me "WHAT DO I WANT FROM HIM" but I feel so threatened at the moment I can't find the words to answer him. So I wrote it out and gave it to the T and told her I was afraid to confront him or even if it was not confront , I was afraid to give him the answer he wants. So that is our topic of discussion next time. I am ready to separate and that is the next step I think. I am following her lead, she promises we will go super slow and she will try her best to protect me emotionally. Physically I'm not afraid it's emotionally. I told her I jsut don't want to fight anymore. I don't want another ill word another tear, another lonely damaged ego due to him. So I am glad we are tackling this together. I do not feel like I have the strength to face him alone.

I'm sorry you asked and I answered. I am bubbling over w/ to much info. It's a sense of relief and a still processing. Thanks for asking and allowing me to take up so much of your time.

Thank you all for responding and caring. I need that every now and again.