Interesting because I have been thinking about why I did it.....the many times I tried back in the 1990's when my depression was so bad.

During the time I made all the attempts (obviously I wasn't successful or I wouldn't be posting now), I thought it was because I lost my identity as the firmware engineer when the aerospace industry fell apart & I couldn't get a job in my career any longer at only the age of 43. My whole goals in life was to have a career.....I didn't care about anything else & I thought the attempts were because of that even though I knew I wasn't happy in my marriage either. Those years were between 1994 & 2000. I just knew I didn't want to live any longer & I didn't even think or plan.....I just did when I would get to the point I wanted out of life (even though my daughter was still in high school).

Fast forward to 2007.....my mother had died in 2005....I went through a trauma with the home care person just before that. It took me a year to be able to get back in her house after that & get it sold....but I took MY inheritance being the only child & only family & left my husband 2100 miles away to a place where I didn't know anyone.

The freedom I feel, the peace I feel, the happiness I feel, I have been able to look back at that time in a light I hadn't seen before & even though I knew I was in a bad marriage & had been since 1975, I didn't realize how trapped I felt & every time I talked about divorce, I realize I was manipulated into staying & couldn't in the rest of the mental state I was in deal with fighting through the divorce. Realized later from a comment I remember, my H didn't want the divorce because he would feel like a failure......but I realize now that it was that trapped feeling that I wanted to escape from & at the time, death seemed like the only way out of that trap. Why it took me all these years to figure that out is beyond me????

Strange thing is that growing up, I couldn't swollow pills, & now I can't swollow pills.....but I sure could during those years. Just thankful that God sad me through that bad time of my life....because the life I have now is so wonderful....even living alone is wonderful & I have friends that I never had before.....it's like a whole new life....something I never could have imagines could exist at that time when everything looked so black.

Strange that no thinking, no planning, nothing went into the attempts....then just immediately happened & if my pdoc had my meds controlled, I would just find some other kind......I was definitely a mess. Hard to imagine that my daughter doesn't hate me after all she went through during those years.....but she's very special & I love her. We aren't close but there's no anger or hatred on her part toward me & we communicate on her terms through the texting that she likes.

Thankful for the life I have now & that I survived through those dark years. I could have never seen this possibility of life then....but I really wish I had been able to see the why & been able to express it to others so they could have understood also....I might have support if I had to have been able to take the action I need to in order to free myself from that marriage & the situation I felt trapped in.

The times I left weren't enough to really understand how bad my trapped feeling was at that time.....not until I ended up 2100 miles away was I able to see the truth, the reality of my emotions