Generally I come here w/ honest to goodness questions that I don't know the answer to. Today I come w/ rhetorical questions.

Why? Why must the obvious be so difficult. The truth is right before my eyes daily and I cannot seem to trust myself. I hsve a feeling most of you have seen me here before but for those of who have not I'll give you an ever so brief run down on the situation. I have been married to a man who has emotionally abused and mentally abused me for 18 years. I have nothing left to give. We have been going to marriage T together. Things are improving. The bulk of the abuse has stopped, but now he has switched more to a passive aggressive type. You know, he drops ugly little hints that are just a minor kick in the gut.(not literally) I don't know what to do and am torn between staying and going. The PTSD seems to affect things alot. I am delaying because I do not want PTSD to rule the day. I also understand that my H has been threw life's circumstances as a kid and teen that helps cause him to do what he does. My life's harsh realities contribute to the issues that make me ME. Now back to the issue.

Why Do I stay. Why can't I walk away. I can see, I see the answer, I have been told the answer, but still I cannot make the answer a reality. I hide from pain, I hide from fear, I do not trust myself, I do not trust my own judgement. When things are bad they are really bad and when they are good I think I have to be crazy to think this was ever bad.

Thats what makes it so difficult. When it is bad I am so ready to leave. I could walk a way in an instant. Walk and never look back. But when things are good he is so nice. He is caring, he is thoughtful, he is kind. I hate to leave that. There is so much potential. Just when I think he is changing and going to move forward he slips back to his old ways. HE is learning. I hate to reward effort and partial success w/ "the boot". That's just wrong. What he does is wrong. But two wrongs don't make a right. I don't think he is an *** on purpose. The T is starting to think it is something he is not aware of and doesn't understand.(the way he treats me) She is not sure if he is capable of change. If you don't know what you are doing then it is hard to stop. But I should not be the victim of him not knowing when to stop.

I cannot believe I am so close to walking but can't take that first step. Is it the right step, the wrong step? Why can't someone just give me a big ol sign. Flashing neon lights would do. Just a little sign.

Well enough w/ the questions. Just had that on my mind. Waiting for the neon sign. Or any other almost as obvious sign.