" i feel so misunderstood so many times, and some times i can "see why" other times i don't." quote beauflow

This is actually "a very common challenge for all people" beauflow. We know what we feel, want and consider "important". But that doesn't mean other people have the same "values". And that is really what many of your "inner discussions are about" in your thread.

I have been having discussions with my daughter about this problem too. My daughter just broke away from a "toxic relationship" and she is now going through a challenging mourning process. One of her challenges is trying to understand why her boyfriend didn't love her enough to stop his episodes of being weak and drinking and druging himself into a blackout/passout/ oblivian. She felt if she loved him enough, and taught him how to set goals and engage his life more, that he would grow out of his old addictions and finally see the light and really value her and having a productive life.

I have been trying to help her understand that his problems are not about how much he loves her, instead it revolves around how he feels about himself. And what I had noticed about him is that he needed to feel he was in "control" so much that he did not know how to let go and just "relax". In fact he was so challenged that he could not sit in a movie theater and relax and watch a movie without her constantly rubbing his arm or leg to help him "relax". My guess is that he suffers from some kind of "hyperactive" disorder and has OCD tendencies. I had met his father who showed these symptoms as well, and the family pattern was more about "denial" of these troubled symptoms and not really about "addressing them" properly. (this is a common problem in families)

What my daughter is slowly realizing is that for a long time she was more of a "victim" than she realized and since she has been away from that constant challenge and had time to calm down and feel her own space again, whenever she sees him she begins to experience anxiety and fear and even that he now "hates her". So I had to explain to her that what her years with him were about was she developed a victim mentality that gave her the sense of safety around him, and now that she is no longer "his victim" she doesn't have that "victim safety" she used to have with him. She began to cry and say, "My god, this is like muchhousens, isn't it?" And my reply, sadly, was "yes".

*Sigh*...it was a really difficult conversation to have with her beauflow because what I am seeing is that she is showing some signs of PTSD like symptoms. But the one thing I am so grateful about is that my time here at PC as well as being in therapy has allowed me to understand so much more about "victim mentality" and how so many people are challenged in so many ways.

One of the things I was always very worried about is how my choice to stay with her father who also had some of these problems and was a binge alcoholic could teach her to do the same. My husband did quit drinking, joined AA and he learned how to handle his personal problems and develope healthier ways to "deal with life and let go of that need for control". So he didn't "just" quit drinking, he learned "why" he developed that problem and how to better understand and manage himself as a person.

My daughter thought that because her father did love me and her, he chose to get better. So she thought that her ex could learn to do the same. But what she didn't realize is there is a lot more to it than that. A lot depends upon our personal history and how we each develope our sense of self. It also depends on what kind of people we grow up around and what kind of messages these people send us that can contribute to how each of us feel about ourselves and our capacity to feel we have good coping skills and can communicate well with others.

When I stop by your thead beauflow, much of your inner challenges revolve around trying to help yourself find ways to process all the different ways people around you interact, often disregarding your input or efforts to do your job well. Alot of your inner discussions that you are sharing also revolve around how you are trying to find ways to not have troubling emotional responses to other people who don't respect you or your boundaries. This also includes your boyfriend's family who tend to be disrepectful and your own family members who try to manipulate you into absorbing their personal problems.

This thread is a good place to start to help you understand the "sometimes when you don't know why other people misunderstand you".
And the reason for that is that what you now need is a better understanding of "human beings overall".

The other thing that would help you imensely is DBT and CBT therapies.
Now I understand you are doing some "penny pinching" in your life, but you also need to find ways to put yourself as a priority and find ways to "nourish" your mind so that you can finally make more "gains" that will help you build healthier skills so that you can "progress in your life".

The people I have a tendancy to be drawn to here at PC and even in my life, are people who "want to work at life, who want to try, instead of just continueously being satisfied with chanting negetive messages to themselves. And you beauflow stand out to me because you are trying "very hard". What it takes to "truely heal and grow" is always the "strong desire to do the work" and it is "work".

Any good teacher, coach, therapist, professional will tell you that the people that tend to really make it are the people who "want to work at it". In my own experience with teaching children how to ride, it isn't always the child that has a "natural ability" to ride that sticks with it and makes amazing accomplishments, it isn't the child that feels entitled to have it, it is the child that is that little chubby not so athetic girl that is willing to do whatever it takes to do it that makes it. Often it is that lowly barn girl that cleans stalls and works at whatever way she can to get a lesson, a girl that can't afford her own horses, will ride the ones that are unpredictable and even put up with the other girls that belittle her as just a barn girl, that often jumps up with some big time win at some point. I have seen this happen enough that I have come to realize that talent can pop up from some very unusual and unexpected places.

You have been looking in the right places beauflow, however, you now need some more "input" and "information" so you can "finally fix what you are trying to fix".

Open Eyes