We broke up just 8 months ago. We went out for less than a year and in the beginning it was all beautiful and sweet. After only 4 weeks of relationship, he asked me if I had considered a life with him, so we talked about marriage. He seemed happy about it and even talked about children. I got a bit scared, but I was so in love with him, I told myself that all the nighttime crying was natural, because I cried a lot when I thought about leaving my parents' house, my dogs, my car, my bed... but then we broke up for the first time, when he demanded sex. I wasn't ready and I hate when people try to push me into things I'm not sure I want to do. We started seeing each other after three months of separation. And I made a scene so he broke up with me and said I am a child. He's 13 years older than me. We got back together again and this time something inside of me told me that I had to have sex with him, because I didn't want to regret the things I didn't do. I thought it would be beautiful and intense, because I was in love a long time ago, and sex was just great, more like making love, I just can't describe it. But this time it wasn't that great. It was kind of mechanical and cold. He said he really enjoyed it, that for him it had been wonderful, but for me it wasn't. After the first time, we only saw each other for two weeks more, and the last time I saw him, we had sex and he fell asleep, which made me really mad and we fought. We broke up by chat, when I told him a friend offered me a job and he demanded me to take it, cause he was tired of paying everything everytime we went out.

A month after we broke up for the last time, I found him with another girl at the supermarket at 10pm. He doesn't live around here. I was shocked. Couldn't breathe, felt like throwing up, but after a few months it passed and I had those daydreams where he came back to me, telling me that he loved me and he wanted to marry me.

His father died in october. I talked to him, but he didn't really respond, like he didn't really want to talk. He said he missed me. I asked him if I was living with his new girlfriend and he said that it would never happen, that marriage was too complicated. He had never been married before, just lived with a girl six years ago. And now he's married. I found out because of the whatsapp status update. For about a month he kept on posting hints about him getting married. I asked him three times directly and he never answered. Until the time he updated his status to "husband".

I remember how bad I felt when I thought about leaving my parents and my house, I remember how empty sex felt with him, I know he didn't offer the kind of relationship I'm looking for to settle down, where we are more like friends or a team. I thought about our lives together and all I could think of was him reading in the couch while I was washing the dishes or me having to pick up the phone to talk to a friend because he didin't pay attention to my problems. We never were so close, he never wanted to open up to me and he always found a way out, when I wanted to share my doubts with him. He also says his relationship with his brother works so well, because they don't talk about anything personal...

I don't know why I'm still obsessed with this. I really didn't want to marry him. It caught me by surprise when he asked me to. It was kind of a plus that he always said that he didn't want to get married ever. I also tell myself that I should be upset, if he hadn't asked me to marry him, but as he did and I found my way out of it, I shouldn't feel so bad.

I don't even know if it hurts or what is this feeling. I want to send him an email and demand explanations, but we broke up and it was my decision. Adn at the same time, something inside of me tells me he still thinks of me, he still loves me and would have rather married me. I can't stop thinking about him married now. What is he doing, how is he feeling, is he happy, does he love her, is she pregnant? Did he always wanted to get married, why did he say he would never get married, did he really wanted a child, who the hell is he? Most of my friends and my family tell me that he's a bad person, that he wanted to destroy my life... Just because one of the times during sex he got angry when I asked him to put on the condom and because another time I decided to better take the emergency pill and he also looked angry. He also seemed to want to take me away from my family and my friends, by telling me my friends were not really my friends and I have to take care because they envy me, and that my parents are overprotective and that it seems like they don't want me to leave them. I know it's not true. I know I have true friends and when I told my mother I was going to marry him, she even offered to pay the wedding party, which by the way, he didn't want, neither wanted to "stand at the altar", as he said.

My mom, my aunts, my friends tell me I should have forgotten about him along time ago, that I'm too good for him. My mom and my aunts sometimes get mad at me because I'm still dwelling on this. But knowing that he's gotten married, has made a difference to me, it's like he was now dead. And sometimes I want to talk about it, but I can't, because they're all fed up by now...

I'm sorry for such a long entry, but I have to tell everything, maybe more to myself, but it came out.