Hi Big Mama, first of all "Big Hugs" for you.

Well, I have been listening to you talk about your situation and your therapy. What stands out to me is that not only do you have PTSD, but you are also learning about your "own victim mentality". What you are becoming much more "aware" of is how your husband has pushed you into becoming a "victim" because of "his personal disfunction". This is a big deal because what you are doing now is instead of your old way of "disasociating" from his bad behavior patterns, you are allowing yourself to actually see them and also see how they have been hurting you.

Big Mama, I thought about you last night because I am going through this with my daughter who actually ended her relationship with her boyfriend because he became unmanagable and now that she is away from him she is realizing how badly the relationship affected her and she is seeing how she adapted a "victim mentality" from it. She even said to me "Mom, my god, this is like muchousens". Now that she has been away from him for a few months, whenever she does have to see him, she has panic/anxiety attacks and is actually "afraid" of him. She is so upset that she is now reacting like this because she thought she had a lot more control over herself, so this is a complete shock to her.

Now, none of us here that have been supporting you live with or personally know your husband, so all we know is what you tell us. And what many of us can see is that you are challenged alot right now and it isn't an easy decision for you to make when it comes to staying in the relationship or choosing to finally walk away from it.

What I can tell you is that both choices will have consequences to them. And what you have to decide is what consequences you can live with. That is not an easy decision Big Mama, so it is important you take your time with it. Remember that PTSD will send you strong urges to "run" and even feel "unsafe or threatened". So you have to be able to slow that down and instead take your time and think this through.

I do understand that your husband has at least made the effort to "try to change" so that your relationship improves. However, it is important to know if he is capable of changing the way you really need him to inorder for you to truely have a healthier relationship. That is something you and your T are exploring and that can take some time. But also understand that a therapist has to be careful about how she "advises" you because she can't make this decision for you, that can make her liable if down the road you feel she made the wrong choice for you. All your T can do for you is help you see as much of the problems as you can, and then the decision is up to you.

Sometimes a separation is better because it can give you time by yourself to feel yourself out and see how you feel about "being away from him". A separation can show someone that they may actually love their partner more than they realized, yet sometimes it can result in realizing that the better choice is to end the relationship too. I think that it may be a better way of giving yourself more space to think about it, verses making a sudden decision you may someday regret.

You do have children together so you will always have to be connected because of that too. And as you mentioned, you also have to see if you will be able to manage surviving after a divorce too. There is a lot to think about here.

I understand that you are considering the fact that your husband has been "trying" but the question is, as I mentioned, can he finally realize he has problems and really work on making a "real change" that can really make the relationship a healthier one.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes