Well, after 5 weeks of no T, I'll be starting again next Monday. I always feel ridiculous making another appointment with the receptionist that knows my face and name now (ick), I feel like there are other kids that need this more than I and I'm just wasting space and time. I always feel like the receptionist thinks I'm needy and I don't like that. It's all in my head though, all assumptions, and she's never given me any real indication that she would think that. This just makes me feel even more stupid for thinking it, it's a vicious cycle. I know the reason why I feel so ridiculous making another appointment is because I do this through the school counseling center, and it's supposed to be brief counseling (one semester), but my T has never told me that there is a limit to my sessions so I think she is making an exception for me (this will be my third semester--jeez). I don't know why. I'm not suicidal, not a self-harmer, I don't have any traits that would tell her I'm any sort of a risk to myself really. I've had my rare rare moments of s.i. thoughts but I never act on them, the urge is just not strong enough for me to ever do anything like that. I guess I just don't get it, why would she want to spend all this time with me. There is nothing special about me. Sometimes I think it's just because I have such a screwed up story riddled with abuses of all sorts and that makes me "interesting" to her and that's why she lets me come so often. But another part of me is scared that what if she does tell me to stop coming, that she can't spend anymore time with me? I have a feeling that that's what will happen at the end of this semester and I don't like the idea. It's such back-and-forth thinking I end up with and it's driving me crazy. I guess I don't know where I stand, but that's not really something I feel comfortable asking about. It's intimidating. How do you guys deal with these feelings? I can't seem to do it...

I don't even know what I'm going to talk about in the first session back. I know she'll be excited to hear about my new dog (and the juvenile part of me wishes she would ask me to bring her in so she could meet her). I just want to avoid the whole family ordeal conversation. My winter break went pretty well because I didn't go home. I didn't talk to my parents. I only talked to my brother. I went to my best friend's house for Christmas and her family has practically adopted me, I love them so much. I spent the new years alone in my apartment and it was wonderful. I just feel like there's not much to talk about because I'm feeling better than usual, though I'm not 100%. I have a lot of issues and I can bring them up, but I don't think she pushes me enough to explore them. She doesn't really ask me questions and when I get quiet, she'll ask me something that I can completely skirt around the issue with. I know that's on me, but it's like I need to be cornered if I'm ever going to talk about anything. Anybody ever get that feeling?

Anyway, enough rambling...sorry for whoever read this cause there was really no real point. Hope you all are doing well.