Some people don't like to be labeled, but I do. Because for years my therapists assumed I just suffered from OCD/anxiety/depression/anorexia ("recovered" anorexic at this point....though I like to refer to it as "remission" instead). So I never got the 'right' treatment. On this med off this med on this med off this med....etc. Looking back I had hypomanic episodes. I live in a chronically mixed bipolar state...mostly in my head because if I acted out my true feelings I would never be socially accepted. But I feel like I'm truly an overlapping bipolar/borderline. I don't like many people. I have no friends, I don't want to make friends, but yet I'm sad that I have no friends. I love my children, but I don't know what to do with them. I don't know what to do with myself. I merely exist. My feelings range from moment to moment between rage and utter depression. There are some people I hate so much but should at least like. I actually hope that bad things will happen to them just so I don't have to deal with them ever again. But I don't want other people to leave me. I even want people that I hate to like me, want to have the last say but don't want them to not like me - even though I don't like them. I still want their approval. I can't make up my mind about anything. But I keep this all in my own head because I know that I have to. I'm impulsive. I drink too much, drive too recklessly, when I was younger and not married I slept with too many guys.....or not enough. My thoughts race, I self medicate to sleep and even then can't sleep through the night. I actually want to be labeled just to fit in somewhere, to know that other people go through what I go through. At the same time that I wish I was 'normal' I thrive on being abnormal because at least it gives me something to be preoccupied with...which in itself is disturbing. Every test I take says 'you have a high probability of being borderline' or 'you have a high probability of being bipolar.' I know I'm OCD, have been since I was a child. I was a head banger, checker, counter, I thought my parents would die if I didn't put the proper foot forward first when leaving a room. I'm still OCD but I keep my compulsions in check because again - I don't want people to hate me or to see my issues firsthand - even though I want them to know I'm abnormal. That all being said, my kids are in bed, I'm going to fix my drink and read a book. Even though I know I shouldn't and that I should be studying. Because half the class is reading ahead even though class hasn't started yet, but I wouldn't want the teacher to not like me or think I'm a poor student (I'm not, OCD = 4.0gpa). Ugh. Thanks for listening.....