So I'm in my fortys and my husband and I are seperated but I kind of want to work things out. The thing is I'm sure he's only sticking around for our son because I become very anxious when I'm alone. I've known my husband for 18 years so I'm comfortable with him. But we became terribly spiteful to each other. Me of him because of cheating and porn, and him of me because I was always *****y because I can never believe anything he tells me. I know he used to love me but he has used my mental illness as an excuse to blame all our problems on. Anyways, I know I used to look ok. We haven't had sex except upon my practically begging for some affection maybe twice in over a year. I found out how much porn he looks at and he texts other women ( he says because they don't ***** at him). I'm trying hard to be nice but if I'm just not someone he can handle looking at or touching then why am I trying to hold onto someone who makes it obvious I am repulsive. I try to look as good as I can but my thyroid disease caused a lot of muscle wasting so I have a body that is just saggy. For me its never been about looks. I love someone for who they are. But I hate that my body is repulsing him...just realized I needed to think out loud. There's really no answer for this. I just wish I had the passion and affection I had in my twenties. Why do I stay with him. He's called me things I can't repeat on here, he's hit me, yet I'm so scared I'd rather have him around then be alone? Having our son who is having extreme learning disabilities is part of the reason ( I want his fathers help ) but the othet reason is feeling like I will never have someone else to love and be loved by, although I'm clearly not loved at the moment anyway