When my mom found out that I cut, she said, "how could you do something so stupid?" and then she cried. When my dad saw cuts on my arm when he came into my room to talk to me, he gave me a look that I will never forget. It was a painful mixture of disgust and fear. Then he walked out of the room. My therapist has helped me come up with alternatives. Everyone else thinks it's in the past. Seems like stopping would be the reasonable thing to do.
But everything is a trigger. I have scars on my knuckles from where I burnt them with a lit match and I have scars tracking up my arm and on my legs, hidden by my clothes. So every time I see these parts of my body my mind flashes back to the moments that caused the scars and my stomach twists into a knot because I know it'll happen again and that I don't mind that it will happen again, completely. Lots of unintentional words from friends can turn into triggers and pictures and when I pass the razor blade section in the store or when I walk into my room and start thinking about what I did to myself in there for the past few years etc etc etc the list goes on.
Don't get me wrong, I have tried other things. I have tried running, I have tried writing, I have tried punching a pillow. The classic alternative suggestions. But do they really work for anyone, or is that just crap that people say in hopes that it'll let you get by without cutting? Sometimes it took the edge off, but that's it. The desire doesn't seem to fade away. This is so messed up.