Ok. I remember when i first asked for help. It was a year ago. I was 33 and it was the first time EVER that I had asked for help. before that, it was me against the world. Had been my entire life.

What had led me to asking in the first place was being court ordered into anger management. I had poked a guy on the arm, provoking him into a fight, and got ticketed for it The anger management place made a big stink about thoroughly evaluating everyone upon intake for any problems that might exist and that may have led to us being there. I always knew that something was wrong and knew they would find something. So that's what got me on the road to asking for help.

Back to you. The nervousness was so high that it led to me cutting again. The anxiousness and the feelings i had about asking was intense. Is it that way for you? Everything seemed new, but at the same time it felt as if time was running out, and I was thoroughly convinced that I was going to screw it up. I felt like I only had one opportunity and it had already passed me by.

can you relate to any of this?

I wrote letter after letter to the counselor and threw them away. I started focusing on the scars from my past sui attempt when I was fourteen. I have big scars cuz I used broken glass from beer bottle to slice up my wrists. I scrubbed them with the rough side of a dish sponge until I was bleeding cuz of all the stress. I got sui thoughts and dealt with it with self harm as well.

this is what I went through when I first asked for help. Is this similar to anything you are going through? If so.... talk to me. I've been there.

If not, at least I told an amusing tale lol.

take care of yourself James. If you start opening up to what's going on now, all that can happen is you might get perspective and find people that can relate. Even people that you might have never guessed might be going through the same thing. Maybe even those people are trying to ask for help themselves. You only have something to gain here. You have nothing to fear or to lose. And the wildest thing you can possibly say on these boards... well.... I challenge you cuz no matter how bad you may think they sound, I bet I can one up ya! lol. A lot of people here can. You are in no way different in regards to what you have been through.

what I am saying is that, no matter what you type, no one is ever going to say that it is too aweful or disturbing. that is not an issue here. I wouldn't be here if that was the case. the only thing that can possibly happen if you open up here is that people will be able to relate to you and stories will be shared and you might find that you have so much more in common with people, people that you may have never guessed would have gone through the same thing.

hope this is received well, and that it makes sense. I tend to ramble on about such issues.

take care of yourself man!

Dan