but you did make sense. You said there is a part of you that grins at the pain and because of that part of you, you feel like you are not a good person. that part of you, you feel is an asshole.

well, guess what? Everyone who has dealt with that deepest pain in their hearts have had to survive it. and part of surviving it is finding ways to cope and deal with it.

we all have found parts of ourselves that we have relied on to deal with such pain and heartache. not saying that those parts of us show the best character, but it's those parts of us that get us through. everyone has a part of them that laughs at their pain and hurt. everyone has a part of them that scuffs at all their problems and it's that part of them that some would say doesn't care.

after thinking about it, it's the part of us that dissasociates us from the problems and gives us that fight. it's rather impenetrable too. the trick is letting go of the safety that part of us offers. letting go when times are not so bad, leaving us more vulnerable yes, but letting go of it nonetheless.

hope this makes sense. I am typing in a hurry so I don't really know if I relayed it correctly or if it just makes no sense.

let me know if you understood what I am trying to say please.

thanks.