Feeling jealous.

Went to spin class for the first time in two months. I wasn't able to go when I was in the outpatient program and then I was sick with the flu a few days after I ended the program.

My T takes the same spin class and after class I overheard her conversation with one of the spin instructor how her daughter just came back from a 3 week trip for school in Tuscany. The conversation then changed to vacations in general and T talked to the group about one of her family vacations years ago when her kids were small.

I feel jealous that I didn't have the mom who boasted about me. I didn't have the mom who was supportive of me. I didn't have the mom that wanted to spend time with me. I didn't have a mom that ever doted on me.

Growing up and as a teen I was lucky to have a few articles of clothing to wear and I would pray that she would remember to pick me up from my first job (there were many times I would have to walk home several miles or bum a ride off of a coworker or a neighbor). I felt like garbage growing up and I still hold onto some of that feeling. Always comparing myself to others and how I'm 'less than them', 'less than deserving'. Just barely getting by in life. Falling down is a reminder of how I'm a failure and not deserving but I keep getting up and trying hoping to one day succeed.

It was painful to hear my T talk about her family vacation/s and her daughter.

I enjoy seeing my T in spin but there is a down side

I don't want to share this with T as I don't want her to feel self conscious in her 'down time'.

This is hitting me really hard (the reality of my childhood and my mom). Another layer of the onion has been pealed back and it hurts like hell.