Okay, lets see if I can finish this... sorry again...

Moving to year five clean, horrible, cravings were awful, mainly because at that time I was having halucinations mostly dealing with blood. And five seemed like it should be a significant milestone, and if anything it felt like I was back at a year clean. The problem is, even if you work through the main causes of the initial SI, your brain still remembers the immediate, although temporary, but powerful relief it brought. So anytime something in life happens, especially if we have no control over it and upsets us, we are inclined to go to SI to help. I have seven years clean now. In the last two years I've still had to have my husband remove all pills from the house during particularly tough times, he has had to physically restrain me, and there are plenty of nights that I have had to wrap my wrists so that I can sleep, because having them there right next to me is too much. I can't allow myself to think long term, because it is still hard to imagine that I will be able to resist forever, but if you had told me that I would make it seven years at anytime between 0 and 5, I would have cried and told you you were crazy.
Those strategies help us focus on one step at a time. I have gotten to the point of counting to two seconds over and over telling myself that I made it two seconds, I could make it another two seconds. I spent day after day planned 15 minutes at a time, (ex. if I'm still craving after 15 minutes of tv, I'll jounal for 15 minutes, if I'm still craving after 15 minutes of journaling I'll call a friend for 15 minutes...). Is it fair that I may have these cravings the rest of my life? No. Is there any more I can do about it right now? Not really. Is my life better than it was? Definitely yes. I can control my reactions to others better; I'm not spending my time coming up with lie after lie. My now husband doesn't have to be in pain, spending every moment worrying that he might say something that sends me over the edge. I don't have to worry about losing my job from cutting (the last two jobs I had I would have lost if they had found out I was actively cutting). I don't have to listen to my dad crying outside my bathroom door begging me to not do anything. I don't have to fear blacking out from it and waking in a pool of blood. I don't have to worry about what part of my body I will accidently cause permanent damage to.
I hope this helps bring some clarity to the situation. If you have any questions feel free to message me, or look at some of my other posts.