I'm not sure either. We've talked about it sooo many times now. I was faithful for the first 5yrs of the relationship. When I just couldn't take it anymore, and I strayed for sex alone. Then bipolar brain took over and I planned a gettaway trip with the lover. More talks with the partner, guilt kicked in and I really wanted to believe things would change, so I bought a horse with my secret savings. Things aren't changing, they never will. I don't really love my lover either. Now I find myself mixed up with an old high school friend...and well, it doesn't feel wrong. Yet something, I don't really know what, makes me afraid to leave and start anew. I know this can be typical at first, but come on now, I've struggled for over four years with this. It makes me have idealized thoughts of suicide. It seems the only way but still somehow not what I want, so limbo.

As far as having my cake and eating it to, the only solution I see at this point is to stay where I'm at but f**k elsewhere.