Well, I noticed that you are struggling with PTSD and this challenge you are discribing is a very common complaint that people who struggle with PTSD have.

If you had a gaping injury to your leg that was trying to heal, it would become "very senstive", so much so that if someone just brushed up against it you would have a strong reaction.

Well, this is what happens with PTSD too. The brain is struggling when PTSD developes and it becomes "very sensitive". People who struggle with PTSD deal with "maginifed" responses to even the smallest distractions.

What you have discribed here is some very troubling attacks on your personal sense of "safety" and for you, it began at a very young age. And the other diagnoses you have of BPD is another result of experiencing some kind of childhood "abuse" where you never really developed an ability to "trust". What typically happens when someone developes BPD is while they "want" to love and trust, deep inside they believe that it is only a matter of time before they will be "let down and hurt". These people are often considered "toxic" because what happens is they make genuine attempts to "have trust and love" but there is a lot of anger deep inside that sends them a deep message that "they are heading for being hurt" so often they do things where they actually "try to bring that hurt on" so they can move on and get away from the challenge of "hoping they can finally love and trust".

Often PTSD accompanies this problem, and with PTSD, it is very similar in that someone has experienced a tramatic event where they had no control and the outcome was some kind of terrible loss. Or, as you discribe, they were invaded and suffered a loss when they "thought they could trust someone or an enviornment".

When something like this happens, anger is a constant and it doesn't take much for that anger to pop up, before the person struggling with PTSD can control it. I have had this experience many times myself, so I can totally relate to your concern about getting more control over this or that you have this happen the way it does.

Also from what you are discribing, your circumstances are not allowing you to really "get away" from the person who "hurt you" and you really "want to feel safer" and this too presents "anger". Well, I can relate to that myself because my neighbor's lazy/disrespectful/negligence destroyed years of my hard work leaving me with 8 crippled animals, two of which died. Yet, my neighbor is still there and I am stuck living with it. And the trama of lossing so many animals I loved and spent years training, was like losing my family, so I have a lot of anger.

Can I ask, are you holding this person "legally responsible" for their actions? What you are discribing sounds a crime to me.

Well, it is important that you get help to address all of these very troubling attacks you have experienced. You need to have a lot of validation, to be able to express your emotions, grieve what you have lost, and then slowly work on "healing". We heal by finally learning how to "learn from the things that hurt us" and that takes time, but it is important, otherwise you will continue to struggle with alot of this anger. By identifying what is behind the people in your past that "hurt you" you can often see that the reason it happened can often be because the "abuser was also a victim" and they behave the way they do out of ignorance. It is not that we "cannot trust" others, because we "can learn differently". If we can learn how to see the signs of potential abusers, we can learn to filter through that to finally being able to gain a sense of having more control of our lives.

I know this is a difficult challenge but if you do not take on the work and decision to heal, you will hold onto so much anger that you will continue to have these episodes where you react with an angry outburst even though you don't want to.

Being aware of your anger and understanding where it comes from is important. I have spent a lot of time working on this myself, and it is work, but by doing the work you can make gains, and overcome this problem more and more.

Open Eyes