Shannon,
i get wat u r going thru gurl!!! my mother is manic depressive too, but has also never received treatment. i used to have anorexia but have been free of it for about three years now...went back to just plain old depression after that but have gotten therapy over the past year and am finally happy i think the reason it's so scary is when u step back from the ED and finally see the situation for what it is, instead of hiding behind anorexia or self-harm (i also used to self-harm as well, but don't wanna go there anymore) or depression or whatever other form of self-destruction ur using as a distraction. think about it this way - if u have an operation, u don't feel anything until the anaesthetic wears off and even tho u know ur getting better, it still hurts like hell. but the upside is at least when u confront ur memories there is a valid reason for that pain and u can articulate it. for me, it hurt and there was grief and anger and then in the end, there came the ability to let go and move on. ur not crazy and i found when i had a flashback it wld help if i said to myself "i am (wherever) now. i am safe. i am moving forward"...it sounds a bit cheesy i know, but it actually does calm u down a bit

Cat