I came out of seeing a doctor today with a piece of paper that says, after "Diagnosis," Cervical Myofascial Pain. He was a neurosurgeon. I've had X-rays and an MRI of my neck. I can't find my print outs of the results, right at the moment.

I was expecting him to explain to me that the deteriorated discs and the bone spurs on the vertebrae were related to my neck pain - that is causing me major quality of life issues. (I had no pain today, when I went in to see him. I've achieved that by doing next to nothing. It's not a way that I want to keep living.)

I was surprised at what I heard. If I understood him, and I'm not sure I did, he was saying that this is a muscular problem related to posture. He seemed to be saying that the pain was not related to anything wrong with the cervical spine.

I have numbness in the fingers of my left hand. He said he didn't know what that was from, but it seemed he didn't connect it to my spine.

The MRI shows a narrowed foramen on the left side. I just can't believe that it is a total coincidence that I have this funny feeling in the left hand and the MRI happens to show more pathology on the left side of my cervical spine. He said that my fingers are not truly numb. I guess the correct term is paresthesia. Though he didn't say that, either. Regardless, my fingers feel funny - like how my lip feels after the dentist numbs me when I'm getting a cavity filled. For 2 months, last Spring, my fingers in that hand were very weird feeling. He didn't seem to find that interesting.

He did seem to find my psych meds interesting, and asked about those. Now I wish I hadn't even written them down. I am probably getting neurotic and paranoid, but I just don't trust what I heard.

I made the mistake of saying that what he was telling me didn't make sense to me. What I meant was that I was having a hard time understanding what he was attributing the pain to. I didn't mean to be argumentative. His response was that I maybe I should see another doctor.

He's a neurosurgeon. I went in there expecting to be in awe of him. I'm sure he must be an awesome doctor to be in that specialty. I didn't mean to convey doubt of his ability. Mainly, I wanted him to help me understand what he concluded and why.

Like - when I said to my auto mechanic, "I don't know what you mean about how the brakes should have had the rotors rotated, and I don't see what you are showing me when you point to the black stuff." (I don't know what a rotor is.) The mechanic didn't take that as an insult. He was telling me stuff that I literally didn't understand. He tried to explain more, and I told him that was okay . . . "just do what you think is necessary." When I go back to have my brakes checked again, as the shop said I should do in 30 days, I'll bring my brother, who can translate what the mechanic say to me.

But, if I don't understand the doctor, and I happen to be a nurse, then what can I do to better understand? I don't have a brother who's a doctor that I can bring back to the neurosurgeon's office when I see him again in May. He is getting me in to PT starting next week. I suppose that's all that matters. He said PT would be the starting point, regardless of what was the cause of the neck pain.

He said that there is nothing permanently wrong with the bones in my neck. He said they will go back into position when I strengthen the muscles and work on posture. I have kyphosis at the CT junction. That is NOT going to go away. I am totally confused now.

Also, since I can see a deformity, just by looking in the mirror sideways, I felt that maybe they need to do some imaging with me standing. Other doctors have said, 'Yes, you have and area of kyphosis." He said "No, lying down is the best way to x-ray the neck." Another PC member told me about gettin x-rayed while standing. So I'm really skeptical now.

He was very young, and his way of examining me seemed not all that organized.

I told him I have a lot of anxiety about this. He indicated that that was a lot of my problem. I feel like he discounted my concerns. I feel he was dismissive of what I wanted to talk about.

Maybe, since he's a surgeon, and I agree with him that there is no indication for surgery . . . maybe he figures that he doesn't want to spend much time on me. He said, "I have other patients to see."

I have felt so hurt and invalidated. I should have stuck to a script. I should have written down all I wanted to ask. AND I should have made notes on what he was saying. I am very depressed now.

I hoped he would have said, "Okay, I understand that you have recurring distressing pain and that must be hard on you. Let's talk about the cause and the remedy." I feel like the communication between us got all confused. Even if I'm neurotic, is that a reason for him to be flippant with me? If anything, that is a reason to give a more patient explanation and more reassurance.

Now, I think that there must be really something wrong with me that I would evoke the kind of response that I got from him. Like I must be the most obnoxious patient.

When I worked as a nurse, I got along very well with doctors. I got my questions answered very well. Maybe, as a patient, I'm not supposed to ask too much. Then I think that where I live is not the Mecca of good medicine. (Also, I've seen doctors make lots of diagnoses that I was not convinced by and that turned out to be wrong.)