I've been going through such a horrible depression trough recently and I was in an awful mood in my session on thursday and all I can think is 'I'm so sorry'.

I feel so bad for being in a bad mood. I feel awful for not really communicating. I hardly made eye contact with her at all (like less than 10 seconds of eye contact the whole session) and eye contact is usually never an issue for me.

But I'm so scared of opening up because I'm so scared I'm more than she can handle. I have never opened up to anyone before with them being able to cope with it. I've actually lost a lot of friendships in the past because I just became too much for people to cope with (and that was even when I bottled things up!).

I'm also really aware that a lot of people have a 'reason' they become a therapist. And I don't know what hers is and I don't really want to know. But she is pretty skinny and I know that might mean nothing but I can't help wondering if she had an eating disorder. And I can't help worrying that it's going to become too much for her and I might make things worse and she won't be able to cope with me anymore.

I don't even know how to say this to her because every time she tries to get me to talk about our 'relationship' or what I think about her or what I think she thinks about me, I freeze up. And now I'm at the stage where I want to and need to say these things because I don't think, mood-wise, I've ever really been in a worse place before.

UGH. Sorry for moaning. I hate how I have therapy twice a week and yet it still feels like far too long between sessions.