Thawing, I literally can't remember how long it was that I couldn't look at my T. I mean years. I honestly don't know how he was able to tolerate it--but he did, session after session.

What seems bizarre is that I'm pretty sure in hindsight it was an indication that I'd reached a level of trust and attachment to him and to the process that there was no turning back from. It was a combination of knowing he wouldn't leave, and fear that I was connected.

I also experienced extreme concerns about his health, and had recurring thoughts that my toxicity would harm him. I think this was all about my fear of the acknowledged attachment.

It sounds like you know you are attached; the fear just comes with the territory. I think your T recognizes this too because she keeps asking you about the relationship. If you can just get out a few words, out loud or on paper, I think she'll help you to say the rest. I know it feels awful, but when I felt that awful, it was a way to avoid moving forward in the process because I really was afraid I'd destroy him--and then there would be no hope.