I feel kinda stupid writing this because I do have family and friends (if that's what you call those people that call you only when they need something) to talk to, but I just don't feel like I can talk to them. I don't trust them. It's kinda funny that I would be more trusting writing this knowing complete strangers are going to read this.
But anyway, my problem is that I am really depressed. It all started probably about six months ago or so. I was in school and I just started feeling down, but I could live with it.
I graduated from highschool this past year (class of '06).
I have managed to isolate myself from pretty much everyone, and I only just realized it a couple of weeks ago.
I haven't had a job since before school ended and I don't really feel like working. I can't go to college because of some personal issues that I don't want to bring up, even though they do add to the reason why I feel so depressed, trapped, and hopeless. Lets just say that I am not allowed to go to college and I can't get a driver's license. I feel completely trapped in this crappy world and really, I just want to get out of it.
I feel like I have no one to talk to, but that may be because I really don't. My family is pretty much in denial that i'm depressed. They try to blame my lack of energy and my lack of interest of socializing on laziness.
I am a lazy person, but this is so much more than that.
I can't get up in the morning. it's not because I am too tired (Even though sometimes I am), but because I just don't see a point.
I don't feel like doing anything.
I used to be very social and have a lot of friends, but I alienated myself and became very unfriendly.
I can't stand any of my friends anymore. I can't talk to my best friend because I just don't trust her. We don't agree on much of anything (although we don't fight), and sometimes I think that the only reason that she likes me is because I listen to her problems and give her advice.
I keep to myself a lot. I don't trust anyone. AT ALL.
I don't work or go to school. I don't go out with friends. When people try to reach out to me, I make it impossible for them to get to know me. I ignore people's phone calls.
But I am usually bored and have the desire to do something. I want to go out, but I just don't know with who. i feel like crap.
My mom knows that I'm depressed, and I told her that I want to take medication. She is supposed to be taking medication for her depression but she doesn't because of the side effects and how it harms her liver, so I asked her if I could take her medicine. She told me to "just cheer up". She said I didn't need medication. She pretty much said that I just needed to "snap out of it." and just get out of bed, turn off the TV and do something. But I just can't. She doesn't think I need help. BUt I do. I need help. I can't go to the doctor by myself. I'm broke and I'm not old enough to go by myself. I don't know what to do.
Im not suicidal, but I'm afraid that if thinks continue the way that they're going, i will be someday. I don't want that to happen.
Ok, well I think this is long enough. Sorry if I have wasted your time.
if there's anyone that wants to talk, let me know. i will listen. We can talk on AIM. Let me know.
Thanks.