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<font color=blue>When I think back I wonder if symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder happened earlier the I thought, with school, and that is how I got alot of school anixety? I remember being in the 'muppets' a class before Kindergarden. I remember on one occassion that I was standing by some building blocks and this little kid named Kris came over and strangled me, and the teacher really didn't do anything about it. My twin even remembers that. I think that triggered school anxiety for me then, cause I remember always feeling the symptoms, but obviously didn't know what they were at that time. Then I was tortured in school, which caused panic attacks , still not knowing what they are, but I didn't go back to school, I wanted too but couldn't. Then that triggered depression. Then I got into an abusive relationship, which I didn't know it as until a year and a half later. I was then in denial about the rape, that what I went through was verbal, mental, physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I remember writting down a 3 or 4 page thing of all the things the ex did to me. I remember letting my then bf (even though it wasn't sexual, more like a good friend) read it and he couldn't finish reading it, and he told me it was abuse. I became depressed then. I think I started to write that after I told my Psychiatrist for the first time. Then the body memories surfaced, and I didn't know what they were, I didn't know what any of it really meant until this past year. After that abusive relationship ended I found myself in numerous sitiuations where I was either sexually harassed or assaulted. I always wondered why I was the target of stuff like this. Up until 3 yrs ago I realized what a real relationship was. I thought it was ok that I got treated that way. I also minimized the abuse, which kept me stuck in the past and dealing with the body memories and just remembering.
I remember at a young age that I would get 'daydreams everyday about rape, kidnapping, abuse etc. Just recently they have ended even though it happens once in awhile. I couldn't get myself out of them ,they were not dreams cause I was awake, and it was like movie playing in my head. What my psychiatrist told me to do about them was to change the ending where i'd fight and run away and be safe, I don't know still if i've done that. But they have ended, they do pop up from time to time though. I always use to put myself into potentially dangerous situations where things could have happened, or almost have. My psychiatrist told me alot of people do that with PTSD because they are trying to gain control back that they never have. I was doing that with my ex over the computer, and I wrote about that in the thread the butterfly and the spider theory. That was awhile ago, i'm pretty sure I posted that. That was also a turning point for me.
I don't know, just felt like writting this, does it make sense?</font color=blue>
<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>
<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>
<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>
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