My wife is strongly considering divorcing me and has been for about 2 years. She has been incredibly unhappy for at least the last 4 years of our marriage. I don't make her happy, in fact I hurt her more than I make her smile.

I don't want to do that to her.

First, a bit about myself and the situation. I apologize for the length. I'll try to be concise.

I'm 33 and she's 28.

I am her only real relationship and she was a virgin when we met. I've known her for 10 years, we met when she was a freshman in college. She was 18. I had just returned to school after a few years off (I wasn't ready the first time). I have about 220 hours worth of classes, a BA in history and a minor in music, only lacking 9 credits and a jury for a double major in music.

We got married in 2006, she asked me and I was reluctant. She considers "forcing" me to marry her (she didn't, but she did lay down an ultimatum - either I marry her or we go our separate ways) the biggest mistake of her life.

We moved to CA in 2007 so she could go to law school. I was supposed to be her partner and help her through the next 3 years of what was sure to be, and certainly ended up being, pure torture. I failed. Due to the economy (2007-2011 were really bad years), my personality and a host of other factors, jobs were hard for me to find and keep. Ultimately I fell into a big depression and she ended up not only supporting me during most of her 3 years of law school, she stood by my side and was a real partner.

She recently had two deaths in her immediate family, her father and brother. Her father's death, due to their poor relationship, did not affect her nearly as much as her brother's, who she was only a few years apart from and very close to. The deaths were sudden and unexpected. She spent the summer in her hometown, but had to return to CA for her 3rd year of law school, where I still wasn't much help. After she graduated we left CA.

We have since moved back to her hometown, temporarily, while she gets a scholarship fund started in her brother's name. She doesn't want to practice law, but she did get a great opportunity at a major public university to teach legal writing classes, and since she loves teaching she took it.

We've been planning to move to Colorado this summer or fall, in order to restart a business that we had initial success with in CA.

The area we are in has experienced loss of jobs, economic depression and is generally a pit of despair. It's a dying state and the region of this state we live in is already dead. The one job I've been able to find I had to leave as the owner couldn't afford to even pay minimum wage to his employees. I have had no luck finding other work here, and truth be told I don't want to. I did, however, try. I can't stomach serving tables like I'm 19, or working for $7.50 an hour at some pissant job with no future. I want to get to CO as soon as possible, where I can restart my business, find jobs in the winter sports industry (I instructed snowboarding at a resort while in CA), or just generally take advantage of the much better economy in CO.

We're currently stuck in a small cabin on her parent's property. It's only 600 or so sq. ft. and she has been saying for years she needs more space and time to herself. She has hardly even been able to grieve since her brother and father were killed. Anyway, I'm clingy and needy, and being confined to small housing exacerbates this. We got into a big fight this morning because her libido has been practically non-existant for years, and I made some snarky comments about it while she was getting ready. She's sick of me being unable to understand what she needs and that I don't hear her when she talks. She feels unheard, like she's worthless to me and that I only care about myself. This is all mostly true.

Now, a bit about myself.

I'm intelligent. Tested and verified IQ of 147 minimum.

I wasn't really raised by my parents. My father was military and just wasn't very "fatherly". My mother is asian, could barely speak english (still doesn't well) and for the first five years, if I remember correctly, pawned me off to a nanny and housekeeper to be taken care of. We lived in the Philippines where my father was stationed from 1980-1985, and household help was cheap.

My mother had an aneurysm in 1991 when I was 12. She survived but is paralyzed on one side of her body. Even with the military paying most of the costs my father still blew the vast majority of his savings covering physical therapy and other medical costs.

In general, I don't really remember much about my childhood. I shot lots of birds with my bb gun, tortured a few animals to death, and was generally a kind of anti social kid. Most of the kids I knew I thought were dumb anyway, so I ended up with not many friends. Even then I was also arrogant and condescending, so that didn't help matters. I also loved setting fires as a kid, from about age 6 to 10.

By high school I didn't shoot things anymore, other than the occasional hunting trip. In my junior and senior years I partied a lot with my friends. My dad got alcohol for us and we'd drink in a second room in our backyard. He always felt it was better for me to do it where he could keep an eye on things. I was pretty responsible about it, believe it or not. I didn't drink or drive, I didn't get into fights etc.

I got kicked out of band after 10th grade, due to poor grades. I was an excellent musician with hopes of Julliard. My director and principal did their best to find a way to keep me in the program, but the districts rules were strict. I lost direction then and floundered for years. I joined the USMC, but essentially quit before finishing bootcamp. I got suspended from my university for academic reasons. I ended up taking Lortabs 3 times a day for almost a year in my sophomore year of college. I didn't abuse it - I have degnerative disc disease and was not given any treatment for it except the drugs. I never became addicted. I think the amount I was taking contributed to my poor grades. Once I got suspended from school I found that physical activity, exercise etc. would alleviate and all but cure the degenerative disc disease, so once the pain went away I stopped with the meds. No withdrawals, cravings etc.

After the attempt in the military, I reapplied to my university and was accepted on probation. I started with a new major, history, and got all As and Bs. I made the Dean's list. I applied to law school and was accepted. I couldn't afford to go, however, without help from my sister. She said she'd loan me $5k to go across country to Los Angeles where the school was. The money would pay rent deposits, cover moving expenses etc. until I could get loan refunds to cover my living. Well, 2 weeks before I was supposed to leave, she withdrew her offer of the money and I was unable to attend. All she did was cover the non-refundable seat deposit, which my wife (girlfriend at the time) had paid.

My wife said that is when things started to seriously go downhill for us. Depression, anger, anxiety etc. I'm not the same confident, outgoing, albeit arrogant and cocky person I was.

That was 2006 and I still don't think I've recovered.

Back in time a little... in 1998 I got my high school sweetheart pregnant. Long story short, she left, didn't put me on the birth certificate as the father, fought me tooth and nail when I hired a lawyer to establish paternity, and when I couldn't afford to continue pursuing paternity via the courts she left the state and I haven't heard from her since. I am now trying to establish paternity again. I would have done anything for that girl, and I have never felt that since except for the first year or so of my relationship with my wife. I want to feel that way again.

I barely talk to my parents, and since I left CA, where they live, I haven't spoken to my mother at all.

We've done some marriage counseling, though it was with students who were working towards their master's in a supervised university setting. I've gone for myself a bit as well.

Most of our marital problems are definitely my fault. My wife has been the best wife anyone could hope for.

A short list of my own issues:

I'm very selfish and unable to feel empathy even on a very basic level. I find it hard to feel anything in general, and even when I do the feelings are very short-lived and I have a hard time recalling exactly what the emotions felt like. I have a hard time caring about anyone but myself. I'm extremely defensive. I have personal and political views that do not fit in with normal society. I dislike most authority. I don't listen well. I'm dismissive, even of my loving wife. I have a hard time thinking about her needs and wants. I don't sacrifice well. I feel very apathetic. I don't do things without being asked. I'm inconsiderate and in fact I consider politeness to be a waste of time. I can be condescending and often am.

I make my wife fight for everything she gets from me, whether it's cleaning the house, or going to spend New Year's with her in New Orleans. I can't stand my own appearance and intentionally avoid looking at myself in a mirror. Sometimes when I see myself I don't even know it's me, that's how unfamiliar I am with my own face. I can't stand to be wrong, going so far as to make up facts to support my position, or outright lying. I make excuses for my behaviour constantly. I have serious impulse and anger control, and I am entirely too sensitive to what other people say. I take offense very easily, probably because I'm extremely insecure. Until my last two years of college I had never made good grades in my entire life. I graduated high school 76 out of a class of 77, and my school was filled with a bunch of idiots.

I don't know if I really know what love feels like, or how to love.

There is so much about my personality that is flawed and terrible. I've spent years just getting to where I could see myself clearly enough to understand what's wrong with me. I don't want to be this person. I don't know how to change and I can't afford a therapist. My area does not offer any form of free or reduced charge mental health. I don't think people around here even believe in it. Medical care here in generally is literally about 35 years behind the rest of the country.

I don't know if I am capable of changing, or being helped. I don't know that I don't have severe anti-social disorder, or maybe even some aspects of sociopathy. I think the fact I absolutely do no want to be that kind of person means I don't have those problems, I certainly hope so.

I want to feel what other people feel. I want to love like my wife loves me. I'm tired of feeling dead and empty. I don't want to be that person. I feel pathetic for having to come to a forum for something like this, but I don't think I have any other choice.

Any advice is appreciated.