Thank you, Fresia, for understanding so much.

Here is another thing that struck me. While I as in the exam room, waiting for the O.D., I thought to myself how surprisingly grungy the place looked. This is part of a great big state university health center. They are always doing new construction and renovating. As I sat in the room, I noticed that the floor wasn't shiny. It wasn't so old that it couldn't be made to shine. The exam table was old and a bit delapidated, too. When the medical assistant came in to get my vital signs, she put a pulse oxymeter on my finger. Everyone used to use those. But in other parts of the hospital, they have gone back to taking pulse the old fashioned way. I suspect that may be due to those close-pin-like finger dealies spreading germs. Also, more can be learned from feeling the pulse . . . like irregular heart beats. So I was thinking to myself, this place is pretty neglected and seeming behind the times.

I thought that was odd, since I would think that "Neurosurgery" centers would be on the cutting edge of everything. That was before I figured out what kind of a place this really was. Even the check in area was dilapidated. No art work . . . old furniture . . . greying paint. Elsewhere, the hospital complex is supermodern. Even the psych facility is more up to date.

One of the reasons that alternative medicine is getting a foothold in orthodox settings is because it tends to be cheaper. This place I was at is like the "step child" of the medical center. At least that's what it looks like. It says "Neurosurgery Clinic" outside above the door. But I suspect it is mostly about pain control. I think medicine tends to shunt people with chronic pain issues toward whatever seems like the cheapest way to handle it. I could be all wrong. I just am trying to connect the dots.

I have been kind of in a daze, since yesterday. I don't want the TV on, or the radio. I'm not reading. I haven't eaten. I feel like I'm just floating in suspended animation. I'm not even crying like when I get real depressed. It's like I'm just numb.