Dear T,

I’m sorry if this offends you but I have to get this off my chest. This is very, very difficult for me to address, and I feel like I’m taking a huge risk addressing this with you. If this were any other relationship, I would just ignore these feelings and not say anything. Since this is not any other relationship, and a place where I am supposed to be completely open and honest with you and myself, I’m going to push beyond my comfort zone and tell you this.

I feel like you don’t trust me – that I won’t return, that I’ll stop coming if you make a mistake. I felt that in previous sessions, and again Friday. Maybe I’m over analyzing or being very sensitive. It was the way you kept mentioning and making sure I understand about me needing to keep our sessions “hidden” from my husband, which I agree with, and I’m fully aware of. I’m telling you that I have it under control, and I realize the importance of keeping it from him but I felt that you didn’t realize that I know the importance of being careful and ensuring my husband doesn’t find out, and that I have had to live with similar secrets and doing things behind his back for years. Even after I told you this, I feel like you don’t trust me. I felt this way in a previous session, and even in the beginning when we discussed the prospect that I would eventually be commuting weekly for sessions.

I got the feeling that you wouldn’t trust me to commit to coming, and even in one of our recent sessions, that you didn’t think I was going to return because you wanted me to have a reminder of you, of our sessions (like your card or leaflet or you mentioned I can always refer to your website). Am I misinterpreting your intentions? Have I given you reason not to trust me? I know there was one session where I admitted that I almost didn’t come, and didn’t want to come, but somewhere I found the strength to follow through. I’m committed, I don’t take my commitments lightly, and I am always true to my word. Please believe me, trust me, and know that in the short time we have been working together, our sessions and you have become so important, like an anchor to me – keeping me rooted, giving me hope when I thought there was none, making me think about the “future me”. I WANT to improve myself, to get over my issues. I can’t do that if I don’t feel 100% that you are behind me and if I feel that you are doubting my commitment, or make me feel defensive or that I have to prove myself to you.

The rational side of my brain WANTS to say that you are behind me, and supporting me, and trust me, but the emotional side is not buying it. Maybe it stems from my past issues, my childhood, my mother? My husband? A previous relationship? Maybe I don’t trust myself? Sometimes I can’t help feeling that I am just “a paying client” to you, and not like one of your local clients who don’t have the situation I have, the inconvenience of not being local, and the issue of time deadlines. You mentioned 90 minute sessions, phone sessions. Why? Do you think I need those? Are you just letting me know what options are available? Is it the issue of the distance? Sometimes I feel that you don’t want me as a client because I’m not local. I thought when I told you I’ll be in town for another month, that you would be relieved, happy, because that would be more time that we can have “regular sessions” for at least a month.

Please know that I will NOT put high expectations and pressure on you. I know you’re human, that mistakes are bound to happen, regardless of what those mistakes may be, whether it’s canceling a session last minute after I drive up here, or slipping up and calling me by a different name. If you have to cancel at the last minute, hopefully we will reschedule, I’m flexible, I’ll stay a few extra days if necessary, or if that’s not possible, we will work something out. I don’t want you to feel pressured by me. I’m a forgiving and understanding person, if something happens that you do have to cancel a session after I drove up or if you do slip up and call me a different name, it will be fine, we will hopefully talk it out and work through it. Yes, it will hurt, I may feel betrayed for a bit, but I will move past it. I know it would have been an accident and not intentional and that would be the important part to me. Our sessions going forward and the work we’ve done so far is too important to me to let a mistake like that become an obstacle. I’m forgiving of accidents, of unintentional mistakes if they are from someone I trust.

I realize I’m probably blowing this out of proportion, and being overly sensitive and immature. For that, I’m sorry. Just tell me I’m overreacting and misinterpreting what you said previously so I can put this behind me and we can continue moving forward.