I began thinking about suicide when I was a young kid. I wish I'd done it. Nothing good that has happened in my life is worth this pain.

I was supposed to go to a lunch at my aunt's today. She was having her nieces together - for some reason she is feeling old and I guess it's something she's meant to do for awhile. I promised to go, but today I canceled. I just feel very anti-social and like nobody cares anyway. They don't know me, and feeling the way I do today, I can't buck it up enough to fake it.

I saw my T for the second to last time today; we end next Wednesday. He admitted that he can't handle my BPD anymore. I've blurred the boundaries beyond his ability to help me. Well, if I have it's because he let me. I don't even know what that means, but once I learn it, he says he'll take me back. Like hell.

I have been having trouble finding another T. From a list of 10 referrals, only two have agreed to see me. One is too hard (cold) and one is too soft (too empathetic). I do have one other prospect I'm meeting with on Tuesday. The others who refused claimed to be full, but I made the mistake of telling them I'm BPD before they refused me. It's not just my faulty filter working here, a lot of therapists hesitate to take on BPD clients because we're so difficult.

So I feel lost and so, so abandoned and alone. I maybe should have posted this in the BPD forum, but I feel more comfortable here. I don't want hugs, I want a friend. Someone who will hear, who will not be scared off, who will care. Someone Who, after I have calmed down, will take me out for a drink and a movie. There's no prospect of that.

I will stay in for the rest of the day, and probably all day tomorrow. Maybe I'll even spend tomorrow in bed. There's no reason to get up. Nowhere to go, nothing to do.

I know that i'm the one standing in the way of my recovery. I'm having a temper tantrum because my therapist won't see me anymore. Because I have a restraining order against me by someone who I loved and who used to love me. Because I just don't care and I'm not worth it. My T has told me more than once, get knocked down 7 times, get up 8. Some chinese proverb. Well, it's just the way I am that I take a hell of a lot longer to get up than most others. And I always contemplate the option of never getting up again. Part of me is waiting to see if anyone will come along and give me a hand. The T would say it's better for you if you get up on your own. Screw helping myself. Screw getting better. Screw T's. Screw the world. I don't mean you guys.