Well that ended up being a very overwhelming session. For the first time in months, I was suicidal, but I also know what things to say, and which ones to leave out. Things started out just fine, like normal, and then I started to talk about some of the things that I remembered from my childhood, leading up to how I SI.... Talked about quite a bit, but in the end, it was too much. I started to shake a little bit, but some how managed to stay upright. I was scared, and at least my T knew how to respond. Then "Hillary" came back. She's still with me know, just on mute, I just am scared that she will take over again, like in the past. and that it will be too much for me to deal with. And Fluffy (a stuffed animal) speaks to me. I was suppose to study today, but that hasn't happened since I worked very early this morning. On 2 hours of sleep. Haven't really slept well, except for on the way back from work (3 hour drive, and no I was not driving) And then slept as soon as I got back.

Things aren't great, all I want to do is SI, and find new ways to do so. At least it's better then sui... I should be looking at putting together a reading schedule... but I just don't have the mind power to do so.

T did almost want to take me in to the Behavioral unit... but I pulled it together.. some how. And now I have to deal with a friend coming home from the VA mental health area... need to be strong enough to handle that situation... AHHHHHHHHH.

Any advice or any tips are accepted. I just don't know how much of this I can take, before I crack. I will see T again on Tuesday, and Thursday this week, and I have a Seeking Safety group On Wednesday.. along with classes, and reading, and trying to get this all in order. I really hate this.