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I’m so tired…
Tired of fearing my own mind.
Tired of fearing losing my parents.
Tired of fearing my ability to support myself.
Tired of fearing aging.
Tired of fearing of change & the ravage of time.
Tired of fearing problems that I can’t do anything about.
Tired of fearing problems that does not exist.
I’m tired of fearing living…
I’m afraid to live… I’m afraid to die… I’m afraid of fear itself…
Right now I see no reason to live, but at the same time I can’t kill myself, for I fear death above all else. And it’s a good fear…
Fear of dying means that there is still part of me that want’s to live and that fear is my very last reason of my existence.
So what I do? What can I do?
Nothing… nothing at all…
Time continues whether I want it or not, the world & existence itself moves forward regardless of my fear.
I finish writing this, post it to forum, calm myself a bit, and then start playing PC games. Maybe RPG’s. Immersing myself in to fictional character & being someone else for a little while. Then once I’m tired enough I go to sleep. Good dreams or bad dream? It doesn’t matter.
For tomorrow a new days comes, as it has & always will come. Tomorrow I will wake up, tidy up my bed, wash my teeth & keep living. Just as I have always done. Another day has ended & new one starts.
One day at the time. Regardless whether I want it or not.
But ultimately I’m still alive…
And who knows? Maybe I find reason to live tomorrow.
Or have I already found it & merely not realized it yet?
Fear is hope. Hope is living. And living itself is reason enough to keep living.
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