It sounds like to me that besides having depression, you may have health anxiety. I have health anxiety a lot myself. The fear of dying, the fear of not being in control; that sounds just like me. I feel very depressed because I have fear of a health problem and fear that those who mean something to me will either die or have a severe health problems.

My parents are long gone now. I had a fear of them dying while they were alive. When I moved away from them, I felt closer to them and got along much better. Visiting them every year was a real joy. I feared that it would be over someday and that I wouldn't be able to handle it. But they did die and it went better for me than I though it would. I still miss them, but I feel comforted to know that they had looked forward to death. I know that may sound weird.