i've just started going to a PD support group which is run out of my local hospital but which is user led. so far, so helpful. i've been to a couple of sessions and it's nice to talk to people about how i feel who are equals, rather than Tdoc or Pdoc and who seem to understand things.

i'm not diagnosed PD, but bipolar, and i suspect i may have schizoid PD but i'm not really sure.

my Tdoc has been really helpful as well but since i've opened up to her more about the kinds of things that have really been bothering me since i was a youngster, the worse many of them are getting.

the loner-ism which i feel may be the major sign of schizoid is getting more pronounced. i used to sometimes concede and go out with my friends for dinner or whatever but now i even dread them asking. i would choose to stay in, home alone with the cats, every single time. in fact, even my housemates don't bother asking me any more if i'd like to go out. they know i won't. most of my mates i never see anyway, they live a long way away, which is just right for me. i'm finding i hate even seeing my housemates in the kitchen while i'm in there long enough to make tea. i can't even share a room with them.

the other thing that's escalating rapidly is my problem with physical people. my Tdoc calls it a phobia but i don't think it is, although similar. this is, again, something that's bothered me since i can remember, but i never told a soul because i realised how weird it seemed. then i told my tdoc and got the nerve to tell a few other people, and it's like i've opened pandora's box, it's getting worse and worse. basically, if i see a physical human body that's not covered i feel internally sick, violated, angry, upset, even if it's no where near me. if a man wears shorts, or a sleeveless top or open neck shirt, i feel awful, or if they have a beard. if people kiss near me i just can't stand it. even on TV, i have to change channel, even in the cinema, i'll have my hands over my ears and my eyes tightly shut. i've always been a bit like this, but i've tended to suppress it around people because i know it seems a bit odd, but now the cat is well and truly out of the bag. it's horrible.

the primary reason i stay in alone is that i prefer my own company to anyone else's, and that i like my own space, and no one infringeing on it. but i'm finding it hard to go out where people display their physicality. i'm glad it's almost winter because more people are covered.

anyway, i think that's all.