Abby.....

I am so sorry that you have experienced so much pain in your life. In many ways I could realte to your story. Like you I experienced a lot of verbal and emotional abuse of a long period of time. My abuse came from my wife of 19 years. She was very manipulative, used emotional blackmail to get what she wanted. She would use fear, obligation and guilt to taunt me and get her way. She would threaten the most hurtful things and say the most hurtful things to get me to behave as she wanted me to behave. And, worse yet no one saw it but me. No one would believe that she did those things. I would always hear "she is such a nice person".

It is very hard for anyone, particularly if you are young, to withstand such abuse without it affecting you. Like you I became very depressed and ultimately divorced my wife and the depression got even worse. Like you I withdrew from friends and family. I also found myself acting in ways that were totally contrary to my upbringing and value system. This behavior only increased my guilt.

I tell you my story because like you, I think I became harder on myself than anyone else. I was overcome with sadness, loneliness... then guilt and shame for what I had done. I thought it was too late to salvage anything.

But, I was wrong it wasn't too late. You have a choice. Your one choice is to allow the "bullies" of the past and your past demons to continue to run your life. Or, you can chose to stand up to the bullies and the demons and conquer them. You may need help in doing this, in fact you may need a lot of help. But first, you have to want to conquer the bullies and the demons, you have to have the motivation. You can't just say it, you need to act upon it.

It can be done, and you would be surprised how liberating it can be. You may find that you have lost some of the relationships you had when you walled yourself off. I know I have. But, you will find the relationships that are left are the truely strong ones, those are the people that know your inner soul, that love you and know your value as a person. But, more importantly you have to love yourself first.

Please fight back. Don't let the bullies and the demons win.