You guys pretty much know me by now. For those who don't, I have cerebral palsy and underwent several horrific operations as a youngster, hundreds of miles from home and family.

I've barely spoken a word of what happened since, not what it did to me.

I now suffer from constant, severe pain that require narcotics for relief. Last week, I went to the hospital emergency room for a bowel blockage. It was clearly with an enema. On that day, I didn't sleep for a FULL 36 hours and didn't eat for 24 hours. Over an enema.

After I got home from the hospital, I felt so violated that I systematically destroyed nearly all evidence of the paramedics' visit, going so far as to toss some perfectly good hospital sheets down a garbage chute. I then left my apartment, after being awake all night and which I didn't feel safe in, because the paramedics had been there and went to a church, where I stayed for approx. 8 hours. Concerned friends had to get me to eat and rest. I HALF-SLEPT IN MY CHAIR FOR 1 and a half hours, a position that currently causes me great pain. I could have been pain-free in bed. I felt safer in the church.

I am in pain. I am facing the worst medical decisions of my life, alone. I am severely depressed. I am thinking of suicide. I look calm on the outside.

Inside I am screaming bloody murder.

I cannot weep. I can not scream. I can only stare or at least rage in the written word. I have been a hermit since I was 12 years old, around the time of the worst of the surgery. I am scared to be with people. My hobbies have dwindled down to nothing, one by one. But I look calm. An outsider would find nothing amiss.

Close friends (and they are few) know differently. It's only been in the past month that I've finally begun to reach out and let people know how bad things really are. No one seems to be listening and I am slowly losing the battle.

I don't understand what's happening to me. Why I can't even cry or why I keep the fear and anger inside. Why I keep the silence.

I think I should just give up!

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.