I will start with a brief introduction. I am a 48-year-old male and never in a relationship. The reason is that I am sexually attracted to other men, and it conflicts with my religious beliefs. I definitely don't have a gift of singleness, contrary to what many in my church believe. I crave affection from men, and that too is absent from my life. My same-sex attraction is a secret (at least I think so) from everyone in my life. I tend to suffer from extreme loneliness, mild depression. I just feel very detached most of the time.

I've had a best friend for about 20 years. He is married with four adult kids. He has always made a lot of time for me even with his very busy family life. He is not an affectionate person, but definitely shows that he loves me in many other ways. The lack of physical affection has not been an issue for me until recently because I guess it was something that I had not seem him show with anyone. He has recently starting hugging a few women in the church, and I have noticed that I experience insecurity and jealousy. I actually had a several long conversations with him about that, and he won't initiate a hug with others with me around. He has mentioned that he is not comfortable hugging men and that when he hugs them it is just a greeting. I've refrained from asking him for a hug since he said he is not comfortable hugging men. Also I a terrified of rejection, so I don't think I could deal with him saying no. He has hugged me once after our initial conversation about my insecurities when he could tell I was very depressed.

I can understand intellectually that he cares a lot for me. Everyone who knows us refer to us as best friends. He asked me in one of our conversations if there are other things besides the physical affection which make me question if he loves me, and I told him I already thought about that ... that the answer was no. Still emotionally it does not seem to register with me. When I see (or even think about) him hugging others I feel that he is closer to them and cares for them more than me.

I seem to obsess over this so much that it affects my sleep at times and my concentration at work. I've noticed that I tend to pine for him recently when we are apart (which is not often since I see him at least 5 days a week) especially during times when I am insecure.

By the way, these are recent emotions. Until I observed him being affectionate with others, I was never jealous or insecure. I had no issues with separation from him because I felt like I was first in his life outside his family. I understand intellectually that that has not changed, but emotionally I guess I don't. Actually he has been far more attentive than ever since I told him of my insecurities.

I've always struggled with depression. I've noticed recently that even with all the time I spend with him, I am often extremely lonely now when he is not around. I tend to just sleep to cope. I do have other hobbies, but don't have an interest in them anymore because they are things I do alone. I've never had many friends, but tend to only have a few close friends. All but a few have moved away. The two others who are local are now busy with married lives.

I've never been sexually attracted to him, but have questioned that with these recent emotions. For example, one of the younger women in church hugged me yesterday, and emotionally it was not nearly as satisfying as when my best friend did it. Actually there was no comparison at all.

I would like to return to the times when the physical affection, insecurity, and jealousy was not an issue, but I don't know how. I would appreciate any advice.