I never intended to get attached to you. I didn't know what I was missing from my life because I didn't really know it existed at all before I met you. I didn't intend to meet you and instantly like you, I expected the opposite. It took me almost four years to be honest about my feelings (in writing only). I don't know how to communicate to you exactly how wrong you are when you remain convinced that it will be fine at the end (when you disappear from my life because I don't need your support anymore). I don't know how to say any of it out loud. That it is the person who you are that I'll always miss. That I'll never be ready to lose you, whatever happens in my life. I will always miss losing you, losing your company, losing touch with how you are in the world.

If it has to happen, can't you just accept that it will be devastating, no matter how ready I am? You're my one person (the only one I've ever had). You said I need friends. How can you not understand that friends don't replace you and nobody ever will? I know I have to live my own life, but it doesn't take away from the loss. I never meant to feel this way.

Also, I don't think you realise how devastating it was when you said "I love my work. I love the progress you've made". Yes, T, I realise that's all you love and that's the most you'll ever say in return. After four years, after you've also shared a lot of yourself with me too...it makes me feel not good enough, again. Am I not just repeating an earlier relationship? You matter so much to me and I feel so attached...and you love your job and the progress I've made. I'm so stupid. How can we stamp out my desire to matter to someone, to be loved and accepted for who I am? How can we get rid of that little part of me that hopes? It was better when I didn't hope and knew the truth, that I was completely alone, as a child and always.