Thanks for the response. The last time I had an affectionate relationship with a man would have been at least 15 years ago. I know that the desire for physical affection with with my best friend has been then there for many years, but it was something I could deal with until I started to see him hugging others. I guess as long as he was not doing it with others, it still meant that I was special. I know it may sound immature, but I can't help but think he loves them, but that I am just someone to hang out with when I see this.

I actually did seek out a group of Christians who have same sex attractions who seek not to act on them. Interestingly most of the guys in the group are married and have always had or recently acknowledged sexual attractions for the same sex. That is a safe environment to talk about things I am dealing with that I can't talk about with others. There is supposedly healing in talking about your issues and also less loneliness as a result. We meet one night a week, but there strict rules concerning no contact at all outside the group since they don't want people to get involved with each other in an inappropriate way. Also ... no touching other than a handshake for the same reason.

Sometimes I just feel deprived on human touch, and it drives me nuts. At times, with this best friend, I will sit next to him close enough just so I can feel the warmth of his body. Or, if we are in a car, I will make sure our arms touch on the arm rest. It's not the same as a hug, but it helps. At least he does no pull away in those situations.