hello i am a 34 yr old mother of 4 wife of 1 i have been smoking for about 18 years however over the last 4 years i have not went a day without it.i want to quit i really really do but everytime i try i get very irrate and angered and sometimes even distructive.i have alwways read it is not an addictive drug but a mind drug meaning its only in my head...i dont believe this is true i feel like a junkie who is out of control but a junkie on marjuana i think not.....lately like the last 6 months i have been suffering what i believe is depression i dont want to get up in the mornings,i hate even having to go to the store.you see i have been married for 12 yrs and i ask myself all of the time if "god forbid "something was to happen to my husband would i spend the rest of my life wondering "did he ever really love me" and my answer would be the same im not sure....see i am a little on the heavy side im 5"9" 200 lbs but im not that unattrative but my husband never pays no attention to me i do little things like maybe bend over in front of him (blush) and he turns his head like he didnt even see me but yet if and when which is not often we will go out somewhere and i always see him "checking" woman out and it makes me feel like crap. i have grown to hate me and just about all females i dont even like going to family get togethers because i have been humilated by him looking down my sis shirt.its like why aint i good enough????im a great mother, person my only fault is the marjuana he doesnt smoke it at all which is good but it seems like i cant coup without it.i live everysingle day in pure agony i have became to hate myself its like if i aint good enough for my husband yes the man who said he will love me forever what am i good for i sometimes wish i would not wake up in the morings but for my kids sake im thankfull...we have one child that has cerebral palsy and 3 seizure disorders about 3 yrs ago he was having them pretty bad and we decided that temperary he needed to be with me or his father in bed so we could feel him should he start seizing well we have not shared the same bed sense..i feel the best thing for me would be to kill myself and let him find him someone he can truly be happy with as i know it isnt me.i need help and i need it soon my mind is like a race track with cars going in evry direction i am so alone and scared.i have tried to get myself help by loggin online and looking up resources but i cant find nothing out there for someone like me i have no insurace for this type of treatment but i dont think i can deal with quiting with my life in such a uproar i feel like such a failure....a worthless excuse for life maybe well maybe i better not say that but i sure hope things can change for me b-4 my mind tells me to blow the whole race track up...