One of the things I've been conflicted over the last few years is having children. When me and my wife were dating neither one of wanted children. We got married 5 years ago and a couple of years ago we started trying to have children.
I feel conflicted on whether I really want children. Part of me is afraid to be a parent. I didn't really have a good childhood. My mom wasn't around a lot, well I guess every. She would rather be working than be at home. My parents split up when I was I guess around 8 or so. I lived with my dad after they split up. He was a recovering drug addict. I think that is why my parents split up, but I don't remember much about that. My parents never abused me or anything like that, but I don't think I got the care and support a child should have. I think this is where some of my self esteem issues come from. Part of me thinks I don't know how to be a parent. Well, I guess no one knows how to be a parent until they are.
I also found out as a teenager that my mother cheated on my father and my dad wasn't my biological father. My dad's family always treated my brother better than me, and when I was younger I just thought it was because he was older. After finding out they might have treated me differently because I wasn't their blood, I found it to be overwhelming. I was depressed before I found this out, but afterwards I struggled with really bad for a couple of years until I found proper help. Part of me doesn't know how you would explain depression to a child. I'm scared that maybe my child would pick up behaviors or possible genetics that would make them susceptible to depression. Having been through depression, I think I would do a much better job than my family helping them understand it and how to deal with depression if it did arise. Another fear I have is not being able to cope. The stress and worry from having children would manifest itself in me being more depressed. Having children is one of those decision that can be undone. I'm afraid that if I have children I could get so overwhelmed I couldn't function.
On the flip side of the coin I want children. I think it is amazing to be able to create a life. To have someone to care for and that loves you unconditionally. To be able to experience the joy of raising a child and sharing in this hopes, dreams, accomplishments and life of this new person you created. I think it would add a completeness to life that I am missing.
Sorry for the long post, a lot of this is stuff I'm trying to work out.