I've had these same feeling submissive. I've struggled with esteem issues all my life. Its almost like a drug to have someone give you the attention and "love" that can't give yourself. To completely throw yourself at someone and have them give you all the attention. To lightly pull away and have them tighten the reigns. I don't know why this gives me pleasure but there is something there that attracts me. I'm in a mostly normal releationship now and a truely love my partner, but a part of me wants the other life.

I don't think you are a ***** either. I think you have different desires than most people and people tend to critize people that are different. I hope you learn to like yourself and find things that make you happy.