My therapy felt stagnant for a little while, think my therapist felt it too. Then there was a major rupture, which is still being processed. I went to therapy to resolve reoccurring depression and in 18months, i feel i have done that, i've had no depression for the past 7 months or so. But something new has came up. I am no longer numb and depressed but instead feeling all sorts of new things, like anger, sadness, despair, regret.. and the ups and downs are hard to bear.

I am grieving. Grieving for my broken childhood. Grieving for the fact i can never get that time back, there is no do-over. I'll never have the mother i needed, and the pain of it is immense. Right now i just randomly burst into tears. Sometimes angry tears, some time tears of utter defeat. Sad that i am me, and no one ever wanted to be my parent. I am unloveable.

I don't know how to grieve, i don't know how to heal from it, i feel stuck in sadness. I need to find acceptance for the past but literally step by step, how do i do that?
My therapist says i need to find acceptance and once i have that i'll have peace. But HOW? Saying that to me is like saying "all you have to do is walk thru that door" but the door has a mathematical equation that i just don't understand.