I've been thinking lately about what bipolar has taken from me and why it has hurt me so badly. I've had a few mental health professionals tell me that I am lucky, that mine is a mild case. Comparing myself to other bipolar individuals, I would have to agree. I've never been hospitalized. I've never completely neglected my personal hygiene. I've never attempted suicide, or had sex with strangers, or abused drugs or alcohol, or spent thousands of dollars that I didn't have.

I have been confused by one thing, however; if my disorder is so "mild", why has it caused me so much pain? Why do I feel like it has completely destroyed my life?

I think that part of the answer lies in when my illness started. I was just 11 when I had my first psychotic symptoms, 12 at my first depression, and 14 at my first recognizable hypo/mania. Bipolar disorder struck me at a time when I was very vulnerable, and it stole my adolescence.

Like most children, I could not wait to reach adolescence and begin to mature into an adult. At 10 and 11, I fantasized about hanging out with friends unaccompanied by an adult, first kisses, driving, figuring out who I was, etc.

But the time I so eagerly anticipated was not destined to come. I realized today that the most empowering thing I could do for myself would be to reclaim all that I lost. To allow myself to live through adolescence again, doing it right this time. Of course, this is difficult since I am an adult now, and my life has been scarred by psychotic illness. I would like your suggestions on how to modify the activities and milestones of adolescence so that I can participate in/achieve them.

I thought that I would make a list of all the aspects of adolescence I lost to bipolar disorder, so that I can articulate exactly what it is that I want to take back. These items are connected; some of them affect others, and they build on each other.

The list:

1. The first thing bipolar disorder took from me was my self-confidence. This started with the delusions and OCD symptoms that began when I was 11, and grew substantially with my first depression a year later. At this time, I felt like all of my friends had abandoned me. I still don't know whether they actually did or if I was delusional, but the effect is the same. I lost all of my confidence for social situations. I believed that I wasn't good enough for companionship.

2. Self-expression is a major part of adolescence, and one of the things I most regret not getting to do. Like all teens, I figured out who I was during these difficult years. Unlike most, however, I had to keep it hidden. I couldn't dress the way I wanted, wear my hair the way I wanted, or act the way I wanted. Because I had very low self-confidence, my only source of social support was my family. I couldn't "rebel" by expressing myself as anyone other than my parents' daughter, because if I lost my parents' support, I would have lost all that I had.

3. New friends. I already explained how my depression cut me off from my old friends. The resulting low self-confidence prevented me from making a lot of new friends. My inability to express who I was rendered me socially identity-less, so no one approached me; to most of my peers, I didn't exist. And people don't talk to and bond with imaginary people. I also had periods when I believed that I wasn't human, fundamentally different, literally not worth as much as everyone else. It's hard to reach out when you feel like that. My lack of close friendships in turn made me feel even more worthless.

4. Dating. This is the result of the first three losses I already described. I didn't feel that I deserved anyone, I couldn't express who I truly was to potential partners, and I had very few friends who could introduce me to potential mates. Being chronically single also ate away at my self-confidence. I'm now 21...and I still haven't had my first kiss.

5. Driving and freedom of motion. I had a really serious driving phobia from almost the second I first got behind the wheel. I was convinced that I would kill someone. I had no confidence in my ability as a driver, and I didn't get my license until I was 18. This further isolated me, because I couldn't drive places to meet people. I still feel uncomfortable driving. Again, not being able to drive at the normal age made me feel seriously flawed and unworthy.

Those are the biggest points of adolescence that I can think of that I was denied. Do you have any suggestions on how I can "catch up" with everyone else in these areas? And how to not hate myself for getting so behind in the first place? I know that I had some unique challenges to face during my adolescent years, but I still feel like if only I had been stronger, I would have had a normal adolescence with tons of friends, parties, first experiences, chances to express myself, a boyfriend or girlfriend, and all of it.

Thanks for listening to me; I know that this is long.