oh Twin .....we really are twins. im in the exact same boat as you. the grief and the sadness over not having a mom. its like pot that is about to boil over and trying to put a lid on it to stop it but inevitably its going to overflow and spill out all over the place anyways. i feel for you, i really do. i have maternalized my T as well......im so aware that she cannot be my mom....a lot of times that awareness makes me pull away from her. its almost as if the good stuff you can get is just a tease of the whole of what you cant have.
its so so so so hard. i wish i could change it for you and make it go away.
you and i both know that is not going to happen. just have to trudge forward. you are so brave and so strong....you can do it! im here anytime...pm away!