(((avlady))),

You are welcome, it took me time to be able to put it into words myself, I can relate to the knowing, but not being able to articulate it.

The challenge you are discussing is a big challenge. What your mother has been telling you is the only thing she "knows how to do" about that experience. Remember, often we each mourn something in our own way. For her it was a "her child" and there is always going to be an emptyness there for her that she just can't put words to herself.

You, on the other hand are looking at it from the perspective of a child who lost a sibling and wants the parent to help make that hurt go away for you. We all tend to want that from our parents, it is normal human behavior. Your mother's response of "it is gone, let it go and let yourself live in the now" is more of what she wants you to do. She wants you to feel better like it never happened or is gone now, and that is the average response a mother gives a child.

When I suffered all that damage from my neighbor's dog, one of the horses that was badly damaged was my daughter's very precious show horse. She loved that horse like it was her child and I lost animals I loved too, and I also loved her horse because he added so much to her life and made her so happy. That was such a challenge for me because I was so shocked and hurt myself, and I really didn't know how to fix my daughter's hurt either. I ended up going into shock because I was so overwhelmed. Feeling hurt and seeing her so hurt everyday, day after day and knowing I could not fix it was too much for me. I ended up developing PTSD and went into depression and my daughter was pushing me too hard to somehow "jump up and be that phoenix I had been so many other times with other trajedies". I ended up going in to a PTSD rage and directed it towards her. I was not in control of that either, and that was something I would never normally do. That was the PTSD and after the rage was over the result was that my daughter was very hurt, and that is the last thing I wanted to happen. I asked all different people why that happened and no one gave me the right answers. It would be a long time before I learned "why" that happened.

People simply do not understand PTSD and how crippling and powerful it can be. I sure didn't understand it. For a while I blamed myself for not recognizing what that dog was doing. I walking into the middle of it one night, but I didn't see the loop it was making directly challenging all my horses and ponies, I just thought it was running around. I blamed myself so much that I had some very dangerous thoughts.
I could not understand why I didn't recognize how dangerous it was. I had always been very fussy about the safey and welfare of my horses and ponies, more than the average horse person. What I finally realized is that I have never seen a dog do that in my life, anywhere, so it just didn't click in my brain. And I did not know my neighbor's electric containment system was malfunctioning and they knew it but just didn't care to fix it and figured that I wouldn't notice their dog running onto my property late at night, I was usually in bed asleep that late.

I went over it again and again in my mind, what didn't I notice, I should have done more than yell, honk my horn, I should have.....went over and over in my mind. And this is what begins to lead to PTSD, they call it bargaining and guilt. And unfortunately I have also been stuck in a lawsuit which prolonged the anger and guilt and loss and having to remember all the details. So that made the PTSD really bad.

A very tramatic event that you are discussing is not something someone ever "just forgets" about. I know that your mother has not truely forgotten about it either, but in her way, it is just too painful to talk about and I am sure she thinks about the signs she missed, that is very common with all trajedies. Sometimes the only way someone can deal with that kind of loss is "not discuss it and pretend it never happened". And often with a loss like that a parent can distance from the other children because it is hard to "love" or "connect" again after suffering a loss like that. It doesn't mean she doesn't "love you" either. It is normal for a person to avoid something where they were hurt badly or experienced severe trama. It is how we are designed, if we are injured by something, avoid it so we don't get hurt again.

For example, if we get bitten by a snake and it is poisenous and we get very ill but recover, it is normal to fear and want to avoid all snakes. It is just how we learn how to survive. But we can also learn that not all snakes are bad or dangerous with time. We always remember everything we personally experience. What takes time is finally being able to "accept it" in a way that we remember it, but also find our way of continuing on inspite of the bad experience. It is normal that some need to talk about it more and get comfort for a while so that can finally happen.

(((Gently caring hugs)))