I guess I don't really expect a solution. I'm just having a hard time keeping things together. It feels a little hypocritical to be writing this and on the other hand offering solutions to others when I can't fix my own.

Sometimes and escalation in depression is a pre-aura for a major breakthrough migraine. All I know is that thoughts of suicide have been on my mind almost constantly. I wouldn't do it, there is just too much damage that follows in the wake of suicides.

The medications I have to be on for physical afflictions are just sapping everything out of me. Walking takes a tremendous effort. I'm pretty sure they are causing some of the depression as well, but without them, I"d be in the hospital. I'm taking fenphedrine , a diet pill, on the days I work so that I will have enough energy to get through four hours. (I find that when they aren't taken regularly, they don't cause weight loss, and I get some energy without being jittery). I know its kind of playing with fire, but I have bills to pay and a business that is limping along. When I get home, I just collapse.

I wish I could get rid of the dark thoughts. Many of you will recognize the waves that some depression seems to go through. There is always depression, but not always the suicidal thoughts. That and very very strong urges to attack myself. Again, I wouldn't do it, but its been a fight. Especially after a night of no sleep.

My friend really needs me to be there for her right now. Its coming up on the second anniversary of her son's death. I still have a hard time believing he is gone. I can't imagine the grief she must be going through. She always says there isn't anything that can be done for her when I ask, so all I can do is sit by her. Sometimes I can't though. Her husband comes home mid-afternoon, so there is someone there then, but i"m angry at myself for needing to isolate myself at times.

Well, like I said, its just a vent. There are no real answers. Thanks for reading/listening.

Sam2