One of the things that bothers me is I'm afraid to open up to people about how I am feeling. I don't have any issues talking to people and talking about what I like and things like that. But when it comes to talking about how I feel I can do it. I think this probable developed when I was younger. People don't like to be around a black hole of despair, so I pretend everything is fine even when it isn't.
A few weeks ago I wanted to get back into therapy so I had my wife call my old therapist. Unfortunately she doesn't work with adults. I was 17 last time I seen her and now I am 27. My rational mind said, is that fine I'll just find a new therapist. But Emotionally I was devastated. I started to feel depressed and like everything was hopeless. I remember sitting at work and almost being on the verge of crying. I kept everything together, but I felt at odds with myself. Rationally I felt like this was not an appropriate response to what had happened. Emotionally I felt rejected and alone. This therapist was the only one I've ever talked to about depression and felt better afterwards. The other ones I been with which has only been 2 others, just sat there for an hour letting me talk without any advice or help. Amy challenged me to evaluate how I think and we were starting to change things, but then my insurance ran out under my moms policy. I had to go to a new therapists and I didn't like them so I gave up trying to find a new one back then.
How do feel comfortable opening up? I even have trouble talking to my wife about some stuff. I guess I'm afraid of people rejected. My family never accepted me for having depression. I grew up in a house of all guys and their opinion was to quit *****ing, through some dirt on it and get over it. It wasn't until I hospitalized myself because I was so depressed that they finally saw how much I was suffering. After that they treated me like I was crazy. I think I hold a lot of shame for being depressed.
I want to talk to my wife about this stuff and sometimes it eats at me. We've talked a little about it and she knows I suffer from depression and I used to self harm. She accepted me as I am and doesn't look down on me for it, but I still find it hard to talk about. I have this irrational fear that if I tell hear everything she will not love me anymore. Not that I have done anything in my life that is unforgivable. Sometimes it fells like this invisible burden I carry. I want to tell her when I am feeling down. Not to have her make me feel better, but to know that I am not alone fighting. To know that someone cares about me when I am filled with despair and hopelessness. I want to stay connected. I feel so alone when it comes to this illness. Has anyone else felt this way? How do you find support?