I think above all else you need to help yourself by being honest. If you're making plans then some seriously negative thinking is taking over (and I do know exactly what it feel like when that option begins to feel like it's...truly an option). I think you need to be as honest as you can be about having plans, but not currently intending to do anything. I'm sorry you're stuck in that place right now. It's so so rough. I wish I could make things a little better for you or ease the pain just a little. Thinking about things is one thing, but you need to let yourself be helped if you're planning something. You need to let someone step in and help, because if things are already this bad, you need the help before you're planning to do something immediately. You can't leave this until afterward. Look after yourself healed.